Sonic Stock Character Extravaganza
by NeverCutsTwice
Summary: Sonic and company star in the most clichéd, downright weird story this side of any generic action movie. Rated T in case I add more swearing later on.
1. The Chosen One

Y HALO THAR. This is the author of this fine story. I've based it upon common "Stock characters" and cliché storylines, mostly to poke fun at the lack of originality in most fanfiction I've read. (Along with actual literature, too.) Also, nearly every Sonic character I can think of will appear in this thing. Now, have a fun. )

* * *

_Speed. _It was all about speed for Sonic The Hedgehog. It was just an ordinary day for the spiky blue lad. He was running faster than the speed of sound, without any end in sight. At least, not until his run was interrupted by a giant marshmallow. 

Within the blink of an eye, a huge marshmallow appeared in front of Sonic. Being as fast as he is, you'd think he'd run right through the gooey blob, but alas, he did not. He was stuck within its gelatinous mass.

"What just happened? Where did this thing come from?" he asked himself. His thin legs tried in vain to kick through the bulbous hulk, but that resulted in him being devoured by the marshmallow even more.

"I can't stay in here for much longer. It's no fun just standing still. Or being suffocated by goo. That mighty sucks too." The hedgehog's brain finally kicked into gear. He decided to eat his way out. He opened his mouth wide, and inhaled a massive glob of... stuff. (It was also at this point that the author/narrator thought it'd be a good idea to buy a thesaurus.)

About 3 minutes later, Sonic reached the top of the marshmallow, gasping for air. "So painful... But delicious!" he exclaimed. At that moment, just above his head, a glowing light appeared. In the center of the light was a thin, light blue creature, which appeared to be made of liquid. It floated in midair, sitting atop a gigantic emerald.

"So, you must be Sonic The Hedgehog," it beamed. "I go by many names, but mortals call me Chaos. I have come to you with an important proclamation."

"Are you the one who dropped this big marshmallow here?" the hedgehog retorted.

"Well... Yes, I am. But anyway-"

"Why the hell would you do that? I'd stop to listen to your speech ya know, as inconvenient as it may be."

The creature appeared flustered by Sonic's behavior. It gave an impatient sigh and continued, "It's too late for complaints. Now you must listen to what I have to tell you. You, oh furry one, are... The Chosen One." As Chaos uttered the last three words, the light behind him appeared to glow brighter.

Sonic looked puzzled. "The chosen one for what?"

Chaos also looked puzzled. "You know, The Chosen One. He who... You know, fulfills the prophecy and stuff."

"What prophecy?"

"The world saving prophecy thingamabob."

"..."

"Anyhow, you must locate the seven Chaos Emeralds. Once you have obtained them, you will be granted with... _The Power_."

"Power? What power?"

"The power to defeat the greatest evil."

"Which is...?"

"I dunno that yet."

Sonic was starting to grow impatient. "What do you mean you don't know? And just who are you, rambling on with this prophecy and chosen stuff?!"

"I already told you, I'm known among mortals as Chaos."

"Just what does that mean, 'Among mortals'? Are you some king of mystical guy or something?"

"Why, yes. Yes I am. Now shut up and find those damn emeralds."

The creature was about to disappear when Sonic shouted to it again. "Wait, Chaos! How do I find these emeralds?"

"Oh, uh... Some others will help you on your quest as you venture the Earth. Be warned, though, for they are all, just like you and me... _Character Clichés_."

Sonic gasped and leaped back in surprise. "OH TEH NOES!!! Anything but that!"

"There's nothing I can do about that. It is the Supreme Ruler's will."

"Who's the Supreme Ruler?"

"I don't have enough time to tell you. It's a rule of all adventure stories to have the mystical being who delivers important missions to unlikely heroes to leave before they can give you worthwhile information."

The giant emerald that Chaos was perched upon floated farther up into the sky, and eventually disappeared in a flash of bright light. Sonic was once again alone. Unfortunately, he sank back into the marshmallow.


	2. Mad Scientists

This chapter isn't quite as humorous as I would've liked it to be, but oh wells. And the fly that comes up speaks an assortment of weird quotes I've found from different sources, except the coffee house thing, that was my idea.

* * *

Three hours passed since Sonic's run-in with the marshmallow. (And Chaos, to a lesser extent.) But, instead of running, he was sitting on top of a grassy hill, thinking. Sonic isn't what you'd call a thinker, but he didn't know what else to do. "Where will I find these Chaos Emeralds? Why do I need to find them? Who's the Supreme Ruler, and what's the great evil? Man, I'm confused..." 

Frustrated with his lack of ideas on what to do, Sonic started to stand when he was suddenly smacked against the back of his head. _Hard_. Before he realized what happened, he was face down in the dirt. He rolled over in confusion, and started to scream incomprehensible gibberish while flailing madly in a sudden fit of madness. Then, he heard someone say his name. He rose to his feet suddenly and grabbed the person by the neck, chocking them, without bothering to see who it was.

"Say my name again, biznatch!" he screamed, shaking his attacker violently.

"Sonic, snap out of it!" In his fit of rage, Sonic didn't have time to dodge the second hard blow to the head. He fell, got up, and realized that the person standing before him was a small, two-tailed fox. Tails. His best friend.

Tails clutched his throat and asked, "What is _wrong_ with you?! Why did you do that?!"

"Sorry Tails. Didn't know what came over me. Something in my head must've snapped when you knocked my noggin. Why did you do that, anyway?"

"Gee, sorry Sonic," the fox said apologetically. "I was shot out of a cannon, and I couldn't see where I was going. I didn't know you were there. When I saw you I tried to warn you, but-"

"Wait, hang on... You were shot out of a _cannon_? Why, may I ask?"

"Well, you see..." Tails started speaking in a melodramatic tone, "I was kidnapped... Kidnapped by crazy scientists," It almost seemed like tears would well up in his eyes. "They take animals and do weird experiments on 'em."

As he said this, a fly landed inside Sonic's ear and whispered, "Free bingo tonight at the coffee house. They've got peanuts. You'll get college credit. You hit your wife, don't you? You look good."

Sonic jumped in surprise and swatted the fly away. "I'm guessing that was of of the things experimented on, yes?"

"Yeah, I think so. I couldn't find any way out of their labs, but then I saw a cannon out front and launched myself out of it.

Sonic gave Tails a confused look. "Why would there be a cannon in a lab?"

"I don't know, but there's lots of other animals in there. I really don't want to go back there, but I think we should help them No one else will."

Sonic's eyes widened. He thought to himself, "Maybe this is the great evil Chaos told me about. I should go look for the emeralds so I can stop those scientists." He glanced up to Tails. "Hey, how about we go on an adventure?"

Farther off in a mountainous region sat a labyrinthine structure, sitting atop the largest mountain, surrounded by ancient canyons. Within the fortress, many dangerous things were going on. Deadly robots were being constructed. Cruel experiments were being performed on unwilling test subjects. And one fat man with a large pointy mustache was going nuts.

"_WHERE COULD HE HAVE GONE?!_" he screamed. He tumbled over lab equipment, knocked over tables filled with beakers, frantically looking for someone.

"Settle down, master. You'll only make things worse if you destroy everything." A small, navy blue robot which closely resembled a hedgehog stepped forth. He calmly walked over to the rotund doctor.

"He was just here! I can't believe you let him get away, you fool!" The doctor pointed an accusing finger at the robot. It said nothing.

"That fox was one of the hedgehog's friends, you know! With him gone, it'd be a bit easier to get rid of him!"

"With all due respect master-"

"And you! _You _were made in his likeness! _You _were built to destroy him! _YOU HAVE FAILED MISERABLY!"_

Again, the robot said nothing.

"It appears if you want things done right, you have to do them yourself. I, Dr. Eggman, will soon rule the world, and no blue hedgehog is gonna stop me! You keep guard here, Metal Sonic. I'll deal with the blue bastard on my own."

As Dr. Eggman stepped out of the room, Metal Sonic quickly but silently moved away, toward the farthest wall. He gently pressed one metallic hand against the wall, and a secret opening appeared. He went inside, and closed the door behind him. He walked over to a large white and red capsule filled with greed liquid. There was also something else within the liquid. He pressed a few buttons, and the capsule opened, releasing the green substance and smoke. "It's time," Metal Sonic whispered. "You know what you must do."


	3. Amy: Fangirl, Stalker,Damsel In Distress

I don't like this chapter very much. Sorry if there are any typos in this or the previous chapters. I don't proof read very well, and I don't catch most of my errors until my mom reads my fics and points them out. Oh teh wells.

* * *

From within the red and white capsule emerged a small figure. It was another hedgehog, with black fur that had red streaks on the arms, legs, and spikes. His eyes were an ominous crimson. He walked slowly towards Metal Sonic, and spoke softly, "You've finally awakened me. It is time, then?

"Yes," Metal Sonic replied. "The blue hedgehog is coming for us. What must you do?"

"I will find him."

"Yes, and?"

"I will offer my friendship to him."

"And then?"

"When the time is right, I will kill him."

"Excellent. Do you know where to find him?"

"Of course." The black hedgehog held up a green emerald. He grasped it firmly and concentrated. After some time, a light emerged from the emerald. "CHAOS CONTROL!" As he uttered those words, he disappeared in a flash of green light.

Metal Sonic stared at the open capsule that the hedgehog came from. "Do not fail me, Shadow," he muttered to himself.

"Are we there yet?" where the words that escaped Tails' lips. He and Sonic had been walking aimlessly for half an hour.

Sonic gave Tails an annoyed look and said, "How would I know if we were 'There yet'? I don't even know where we're going."

"Maybe if you checked the map, we'd have an easier time finding our way, don't you think?"

"Fine, I'll do it your way, brainiac."

Tails gave out an offended huff to Sonic's remark. The hedgehog didn't seem to notice. He pulled out a map and studied it. "We're in Emerald Hill Zone right now," he said, "And the closest zone from here is Marble Garden Zone. We should go look for the emeralds there."

"Wait Sonic, there might be some here. We should stay here for a while."

"I thought you wanted to leave. Make up your mind already..."

Before either Tails or Sonic had time to react, someone leaped onto the hedgehog's back and held on firmly. "I've finally found you, Sonic!" The person screamed.

Sonic struggled and finally yanked off his intruder. "Oh no... Not you..."

"That's right, Amy Rose is here!" the pink hedgehog exclaimed. "I've been searching all over for you, and now we can finally get married!"

Frustrated, Sonic turned to her and said, "How many times do I have to tell you that I don't like you?"

"I wuvs joo, my widdle blue dream boat," Amy said, completely ignoring him.

"Amy, Sonic and I have an important mission, and we don't have time for you to be glomping him every two seconds."

Amy slowly turned towards Tails with a hateful expression. "HOW _DARE _YOU TRY TO KEEP MY AWAY FROM MY SONIC?! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU DEAD!!!"

Amy pulled out her huge Piko Piko Hammer and started swinging it erratically. In the process, Sonic received another blow to the head.

"Sonic, my darling! I've killed him! I can't live in a world without Sonic! I STAB MY HEAD!" Amy grabbed a huge butcher knife and aimed it towards her right eye.

"Yeah, you can do it Amy!" Tails cheered. But, to his dismay, Sonic got up. Amy would have to die another day.

"Sonic, you're alive! Now we can be together forever!"

Sonic was starting to lose his cool. "Amy, I've had just about enough of your sh-"

"EGGMAN!" Tails yelled, cutting Sonic off before he could say an inappropriate slang term for feces. Dr. Eggman was floating directly above them in his favorite hovering machine.

"So we meet again, Sonic the Hedgehog," the doctor said. "We've got some business to take care of."

A mechanical arm came out from the bottom of the hovercraft and grabbed Amy. "Help me, Sonic!" she pleaded. The hedgehog and fox just stared, dumbfounded.

"If you want this girl to live," Eggman continued, "You're going to have to retrieve her from my laboratory."

"Actually, I don't care what happens to her," Sonic said.

"Me neither," Tails added.

It was Dr. Eggman's turn to look dumbfounded. "Uh... Oh, right! I, uh, have a Chaos Emerald there, so you gotta come quick!"

Sonic gasped in surprise. "A Chaos Emerald?!"

"That's right. You'll have to take it from me. See you there, hedgehog!" Eggman then proceeded to fly away with Amy in tow.

"Wait," Tails said, "If Eggman wanted to destroy you that much, wouldn't he have done it right here and now?"

"You've got a point, Tails. He's probably just setting me up for a trap or distraction. Let's keep looking for the emeralds here."

"Okeedokee artichokee!"

Sonic and Tails set off once again. But, little did they know that they were being watched.


	4. All Ur Base R Blong 2 Silver

FOR GREAT JUSTICE.

* * *

It was the end of the school year at the Star Light Zone Academy. Many students had just graduated and were looking forward to a bright future in the field of their choice. One new graduate was Silver the Hedgehog.

"After four years of studying and hard work, it looks like I'll finally be able to serve humanity by fighting for justice," he beamed proudly.

Silver's best friend Blaze the Cat wasn't as confident in his abilities. "Look," she said, "I know you've worked hard, but don't think it'll be so easy. Saving the world from danger is... Well, dangerous. It's naive thinking like that that gets you into trouble."

"Oh yeah? Name one time."

"Remember your little incident with the Babylon Rogues?"

Silver flinched at the name. "Right... I forgot about that."

The Babylon Rogues was a group of 3 birds, known throughout the school as a group of bullies. Jet the Hawk was the leader. He was obsessed with his athletic skills on his "Extreme Gear," and was equally obsessed with staying on top of his game through rigorous training, even if the cost was acting like an arrogant jerk. His right hand man was Storm the Albatross. Storm was the closest thing to a voice of reason in the group; he'd help encourage Jet and train him, though he was a bit clumsy at times. The third member was Wave the Swallow, the only female. She was a tomboy, and had a habit of bad mouthing anyone she thought wasn't as good as her. Which was practically everyone.

The incident in question involved Silver breaking Jet's hoverboard. He was physically and verbally attacked for the rest of the semester, by Storm and Wave, respectfully. Jet himself fell into a state of depression, but had Wave fix his board for him eventually.

"You had some of your limbs bend at angles they weren't supposed to bend," Blaze added.

"My spleen still hurts when sneeze."

Someone gently tapped a finger on Silver's shoulder, making him leap ten feet in the air in surprise. Blaze jumped back, surprised by Silver's reaction, and looked down to see a small rabbit.

"What happened to Mr. Silver?" the rabbit girl asked. "Did I scare him?"

"Don't worry he's just on edge right now."

Silver landed with a loud thud. "Ow, my spine!" he wailed.

"It's just Cream, no need to panic," said Blaze.

"I'm sorry if I scared you, Mr. Silver," Cream said. "I didn't mean to."

"That's OK. I know you don't like hurting people. Or animals. Or plants..."

Cream loved nature almost more than other people... Or anthropomorphic animals, whichever is more accurate. She never ate meat, never physically hurt anyone, and was always very polite. These were good traits for a six year old, but sometimes got on other's nerves. This included the Babylon Rogues, who were quickly approaching.

"Oh no!" Silver yelped. He hid behind Blaze.

"Looks like that wimpy hedgehog still hasn't grown a backbone. Oh, that's right, Storm probably broke it when he beat you to a pulp!" Jet boasted.

"Violence isn't something to boast about, Mr. Jet," Cream stated very matter-of-factly.

"Who asked you, shorty?" Wave teased. "It figures a bunch of losers like you would hang out with a little kid."

"Knock it off," Blaze snarled. "If you bother them, you'll have to deal with me."

"Oooh, I'm soooo scared," Wave taunted. "Is the girly-girl trying to pick a fight?"

"As much as I'd enjoy a girl fight," Storm intervened, "Jet has a hoverboard tournament in an hour. We need to go train."

"Girl fight?" Blaze and Wave said in unison, clearly disgusted with Storm's forward perversion.

"The tournament, right!" Jet exclaimed. "I gotta win, I KNOW I will! Let's go!"

The group left at last. Silver moved away from Blaze and said, "Those guys have a lot of nerve."

"Don't worry," the cat replied, "In my adventure classes, I've learned plenty of self-defense. I won't let them bully us."

"Speaking of adventures, are you going to set off soon, Ms. Blaze?" Cream inquired.

"Probably. Most of the guys here teased me, saying I'd never be a good adventurer. I'll prove to them I've got what it takes."

"Wow, you're so cool, Ms. Blaze! When I graduate, I want to go on adventures with you."

"You know, I might get into trouble on an adventure, which would mean I'd have to fight. I don't think you'd like that."

"Yeah... Maybe you're right," Cream said, disappointed.

"Hey, I probably won't be doing anything right away, so why don't you come with me for the summer, Cream? We'll have an adventure of our own!"

"Really? That sounds wonderful!" Cream jumped with joy.

"We'll go down to Emerald Hill Zone and see what we can do. Where will you go, Blaze?"

"I'll head toward Ice Cap Zone. You two be careful, alright?"

"Don't worry about us," Silver said. "We'll be fine."

With that, Blaze and Silver went their separate ways. Silver and Cream headed for Emerald Hill Zone, planning on having a fun, lazy summer. What really happened wasn't quite what they were expecting.


	5. Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

Yeah yeah, short chapter. I haven't been in much of a writing mood, but I wanted to update this, so...here ya go. (And I love the Chaotix. :D)

* * *

The phone rang. It was an unusual sound in the small office, since no one had called in many weeks, especially at midnight. Espio the Chameleon was working late that night... Or morning actually, but the point is, he was working late. He calmly picked up the receiver. "Chaotix Private Investigators," he said softly.

A soft, feminine voice came from the other end. "Is this Vector the Crocodile?"

"No," Espio responded, "This is Espio, I'm one of Vector's assistants."

"I have no interest in you," the woman said coldly. "I want to speak with Vector."

"One moment, please," Espio said, in an equally cold voice. He placed the receiver on the desk and walked into the lobby. Vector was laying on a couch, headphones blaring. Espio approached him, yanked off the headphones, and said sternly, "You can't keep giving random broads the office phone number, you know. We need the line open for clients."

Vector rose from his spot, startled. "What're you talkin' about? I haven't given any ladies the number."

"Then why is there a woman on the phone asking for you?"

Vector let out a frustrated sigh and got up. He stomped into the office and grabbed the receiver. "Vector speaking, waddaya want?"

"Well, aren't we polite?" the woman said coyly.

"Look lady, I haven't gotten a job in weeks, I've been in the office since 7:30 yesterday morning, and I was rudely awakened from a nap, I don't have the time for manners right now."

"Seems pretty harsh. If you're looking for a job, you're in luck."

Vector's eyes widened in surprise. "Oh really? What's the deal?"

"I need you to find someone for me. He goes by the name Sonic the Hedgehog."

"This Sonic guy messed with ya or somethin'?"

"No. Though he seems to have something I'm interested in. All you need to do is follow him, and tell me his location."

"That sounds a bit on the easy side... How much?"

"How does 250,000 Rings sound?"

The announcement of the payment was enough to make Vector drop the receiver from his hands and run in circles, flailing and screaming. He stopped abruptly, picked the receiver back up and said, "You've got a deal." Vector put a hand over the receiver and yelled to Espio, "Go wake up Charmy. We just hit the jackpot."

Charmy was always full of energy, even as soon as he woke up. Espio walked into a small room which served as the bee's bedroom. Before he could make a sound, the lights were on, covers thrown to the floor, and Charmy screamed, "WE'VE GOT WORK, WE'VE GOT WORK, WHOOHOO!!!" He started flying around the room, breaking things along the way. Espio quickly leapt into the air and grabbed the bee before he could cause more damage.

"Calm down," Espio said, "You don't even know what the job is yet."

Charmy smiled and said, "OK then, what is it?"

"We need to find a guy called Sonic the Hedgehog."

"We just hafta find a guy??? That sounds boring, too easy."

"We can't be picky, we're going broke. Besides, even the most simple of tasks can be filled with danger. When you're in a war, even if things look clear, danger lurks around every shadow."

"But we're not in a war, Espio... And we're not all ninjas."

"The point is, you need to settle down, unless you want to get killed."

"Get killed just from watching a guy?"

"We don't know anything about him, he might be dangerous. When you're in a war, you can't trust anyone, friend or foe. Anyone could be an enemy, no matter how innocent they look."

"For the last time, we're not in a stinking war, you worry wart!"

Charmy wriggled out of Espio's grip and continued to fly spastically around the room. When he was done, he flew out and started yelling at Vector, "Work time, work time, work time!!!" Espio stood in the now filthy room and muttered to himself, "What did I do to deserve this?"


End file.
